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So about this blogging thing...

It's an odd thing, this little LJ. I tend to go months without putting anything up here besides fic. Then when I do post something, it’s long and meta or short and confusingly lacking actual information.

I've talked before on my hesitation to share things -- which is weird for someone who wants to be a writer, really. But it's this personal stuff that gets me all tense and uncertain. I can post fic with no problems what-so-ever, but I always hesitate with the more personal stuff. In other words, I have problems with the very thing that LJ is supposed to be about.

It's not just LJ, though. It's facebook and it's twitter and it's even messaging with other people. Or even talking with them in real life. And not just strangers, with friends.

The other day I was talking to someone and they asked how I was doing. I wanted to say all was fine except for the fact that soon Myria will have to head back down to Madison and that was just breaking my heart thinking about it. But I couldn't because I know that, things being what they are, I'd not get a real sympathetic response.

Don't get me wrong, my friends (on line and real life) are very sympathetic and caring, I just seem to engender a different type of response. Perhaps I'm not the type of person who needs a sympathetic response. I deal with a lot of things with humor and self-depreciating comments so I understand when people react to some statement with that type of response. Perhaps, I'm just the type of person that needs a less-sympathetic ear because I wallow a bit too much or I do, perhaps, harp on one thing for too long or about things that really aren’t important. Perhaps I'm just one of those people who needs a harder line. Perhaps I am the type of person who needs to be fixed and I should just appreciate that people care enough to help me.

Perhaps it’s like Christmas cards: You got to send them out to get them back. Maybe I’m just not that sympathetic of a person. A kind of emotional karma, if you will.

I don’t know. I just know that there are times when I can’t deal with those responses. I’m fairly self-aware. I know exactly how many of my problems are my fault and how much I really shouldn’t be complaining about anything. It’s just sometimes nice to be able to complain and have someone sympathize.

Still getting the thoughts out of my head may be a good thing and if I’m afraid of the response, posting it here may be the best alternative.

In any case, it will help me with my desire to actually try and be a writer/blogger/person who shares personal thoughts and emotions. Actual sharing.

Not sure I like it. Fic and meta are so much easier.

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