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That kind of day...

I hate days like today. Days when I can't point to any one thing that went wrong, because nothing went wrong. Everything worked out fine and I got done what needed to be done. I spent time with Wil and played some games. Yet, it was choke-full of reminders that I'm just not quite up to snuff.

Usually, I don't have a problem when people point out the things that I'm doing that are wrong or problematic or unnecessary. I often do things that could be wrong or problematic or unnecessary and it's good when people help me out. Just some days, somedays I really hate being all those things all the time.

More than that, I hate being reminded that no matter how passionate I feel about something or how excited I am about things, no one else is really interested. Of course they're not. They all have their own interests and they all have the important things they're doing, there's just not enough time to be drawn into this new thing that happened to catch my attention. Besides they all know me well enough to know that this, too, will pass and it's not really a thing that matters in the end, anyhow.

It's irrational to think that everyone (or anyone) would be interested in every little thing that I do. And quite honestly? Honestly, I shouldn't be looking for anything new to be interested in because I'm doing such a lousy job of doing the things that I'm supposed to be doing. Actual commitments to other people. Stuff that matters. Stuff that I'm failing at. Stuff that people are more than happy to point out needs doing.

So. There's that. I should learn just to trust my friends, they always know what's what anyhow. It's why they're so awesome.

There's always the choice, I know, of posting more stuff here. Sharing my passions with the LJ crowd. But (as it should surprise no one) I have a neurosis about that. See, it's just so much easier to deal with it all when it's not written down, kept for eternity, just to remind me that my insecurities aren't actually insecurities, but are actual fact. I don't think my frail psyche could handle that much truth.

Besides once something is written, it has a permanence about it. This is being written in my 750 words and I doubt I will copy and past it to my LJ. I may, though, I post so seldom to my LJ, that most don't read it at all...

The only reason I'm toying with posting this on LJ at all is because I've had this thought so often lately. I've written about it several times, over here at 750 words. Mostly I end up feeling miserably sorry for myself and lamenting my woes. I'm usually brought to my senses with the knowledge that such a post would just make finabair sing "Think I'll eat some worms" at me until I realize that you don't get feel sorry for yourself over things that are accurate and deserved.

I have to admit that writing about things here at 750 words does help put things in perspective. I usually do feel better once I get things out of my head. My hope, I think, is that once I get this out here, it will sit here and I won't ever have to address it again. I can just take all the days like today -- where I'm reminded of all my shortcomings that I like to pretend aren't real -- and stick them over here in this post. A kind of marker where I can bury the burden of wanting things to be different, and just learn to deal.

It's funny, but I've been reading a lot of blogs today. Following a link to another link to another link and all these blogs are full of competent and confident people. I don't always agree with what they say, but they are engaging and thought provoking. I occasionally toy with the thought that I can write, and that's a hard thought to let go of. Something I've thought about all my life. Only, I can't even engage people who like me in conversation beyond our usual topics, how can I get total strangers to care?

Besides writers need proof-readers and editors and grammar nazis to help them out. That's the good writers. There's no way I can do it on my own. I'm not -- anything -- enough for people to look beyond those errors to see what the message is. That is, of course, pretending that I have anything worth saying at all.

So, yeah, one of those days.

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