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FIC: Monster M*A*S*H (M*A*S*H, PG)

Title: Monster M*A*S*H
Fandom: M*A*S*H
Characters: Kingler, M*A*S*H Crew
Genre: Gen
Rating: PG
Word Count: 1303
Warnings/Spoilers: None
Disclaimer: Fanfic, for fun, not profit.
Notes: The third of five fics written for a tv_universe where we were challenged to write about 'monsters'.

Monster M*A*S*H

Klinger hated KP. Spending hours in a hot kitchen, trying to make barely edible ingredients into palatable food everyone would hate any way just wasn't his idea of fun. Even worse was overnight clean up duty, when you had to spend hours scrubbing away all the grease and grime that accumulated over time. Right now, though, that was preferable to walking patrol. He'd traded duties with Sgt. Zale, much to Zale's amusement. But he just couldn't face walking that patrol. All alone, in the dark. He couldn’t do it, not with what he'd seen recently.

Klinger angrily wrung his rag out and rescrubbed the same spot on the sink that he had scrubbed three times before. It was his own fault. He knew there was noting out there. Well, nothing beyond the usual war things. It was all because of his latest plan to earn a Section 8. He came up with the idea while watching "Abbott and Costello Meet Frankenstein". He would become a monster hunter. For weeks he inundated Potter with reports of vampires and werewolves and headless creatures that he claimed were skulking about camp. With Halloween just a few days off, it was perfect. And fun.

Until he started seeing... things. Odd things.

Fur -- shaggy, wolf-like fur -- in the laundry room. Almost as if someone had shed it. Next he overheard Major Houlihan and Major Winchester talking about how great it was that the full moon was only a couple of days away. That it would be a perfect night for what they had planned.

Then there were the bottles of blood. Now Klinger was used to seeing blood, just not blood that was hidden in a cooler under Hawkeye's bed in the swamp. Still he had been planning on ignoring it because Hawkeye had a tendency to stash away bottles of rare blood in case of an emergency in the operating room. Only then, when he'd been working in the bar last night, he'd heard Hawkeye talking to Nurse Kellye -- telling her that the batch of "special blood" was almost ready for drinking and that it would be safe in the swamp until they needed it.

Klinger snorted and tossed his rag into the bucket of now cold water. Maybe he could have chalked that all up to a very over active imagination, but last night there had been a lot of movement in the woods and between the tents. Strange sounds that made his hair stand on end. Sounds like moaning and crying. By the light of day, he could almost pretend it didn’t happen, but then, as the sun disappeared and the full moon danced among the clouds, it all started again.

On the off chance that he wasn’t actually going crazy, Klinger decided that discretion was the better part of valor, and opted for hiding out cleaning the kitchen. Only that wasn’t working out as well as he’d hoped. He still heard sounds, he still saw shadows move past the windows and doors, and he couldn’t shake the feeling that someone -- something -- was watching him. Stalking him.


The strangled groan came from behind him. For a split second Klinger was sure his heart had stopped. Then he spun, to face the source of the sound, his back pressed against the edge of the kitchen sink. Before him stood a man-shaped creature, covered from head to toe in dirty white gauze.

"Mmmmhhhhhaaaa!" It said again.

At least that's what Klinger thought it said, he couldn't really hear it over the sound of his own strangled scream.

The creature (Klinger couldn't quite bring himself to think of it as a mummy) shuffled slowly toward him, its arms outstretched, still moaning low and hideously. Then the door banged open again and a new creature bolted in -- this time it was a snarling, growling (definitely not a) werewolf. It was covered in torn and bloody cloths. The long dark fur that covered its face contrasted the long gleaming fangs that filled its mouth. Before Klinger could process what was happening, the lights flickered off and the entire tent was plunged into darkness.

A scream echoed through the night and it took Klinger a second to realize that he was the one who was screaming. He clambered backwards, awkwardly, painfully scrambling over the sink. Before he could decide what to do next, another figure moved into the room. This one wore a long dark cloak, a flashlight held under its chin illuminated its pasty-white face.

"Ve have come to take you weeth us, Klinger. We are so very…” there was a dramatic pause during which its white pointy teeth were clearly visible, “…thirsty."

Klinger desperately searched for something to defend himself with, and ended up opting for the bucket of cold, soapy water. "Back, back you vile creature!" he shouted as he held the bucket ready. "Don't take another step or I'll... I'll..." Quite honestly Klinger hadn't a clue what he was going to do.

"Whoa!" The creature took a step back, suddenly sounding a lot like Hawkeye Pierce "Hold on a minute there, Klinger, there's no need to get... wet."

"Captain Pierce?" Klinger tried to keep up with what was happening. "Is that you?"

"Of course it's me," The lights flickered back on clearly revealing that the speaker was, indeed, Hawkeye. "And if it wasn't what were you going to do? Water works on the Wicked Witch of the West, not vampires."

"I don't know." Klinger shrugged, but didn't put down the bucket. He glanced over at the werewolf, who was not a werewolf at all but rather Major Winchester dressed as a werewolf. He was also smiling at him in a very, very un-Winchestery way, which only had a little to do with the -- now obviously -- fake fangs he was wearing. The mummy pulled some of the wrapping away from its face, and BJ Hunnicut's mustache clearly identified who he was.

"What's going on here?" Klinger had the sudden, awful feeling that he was the punch line of a big joke. The feeling was backed up by laughter that came from the doors.

"We thought maybe you would like to come join the party," Hawkeye said. He waved his hands at the people gathered around the doors. "We'd hate to have fun without the guest of honor."

After a second’s silence, Major Winchester took up the narrative. “Colonel Potter got the idea from all your monster tales, and he gave us permission to have a Halloween costume party, as long as we planned this, ah, surprise for you.”

When Klinger continued to stare at them, speechless, BJ walked over and took the bucket of water out of his hands. “Perhaps we should disarm you first.” He took Klinger by the arm and started leading him out of the kitchen.

“Wait!” Klinger pulled himself free from BJ’s grip. “I’m not going to a costume party!”

“Don’t be that way, Klinger,” Hawkeye started, but Klinger cut him off.

“I’m not going to a costume party without a costume!” Klinger glanced around the kitchen. He grabbed a large checkered sheet from a pile near the corner and wrapped it around his waist for a passable skirt. Then he tied a smaller rag around his head and reached over to pull down a large string of dried garlic that he draped around his neck. He was very happy that he wore his dropped pearl earrings today even if they hadn’t gone with manual labor. After one last adjustment to his outfit he was satisfied. “I’m ready to go now.”

Klinger followed his laughing friends out of the kitchen and thought that he would never get a Section 8. He'd been posted at the only army unit in the world where crazy was normal.



( 4 lines — Drop a line )
Sep. 15th, 2013 04:33 am (UTC)
Ooh, I LOVE IT!!!

I can hear their voices when I read this. And it's such a very, very M*A*S*H prank!
Sep. 15th, 2013 04:36 am (UTC)
I like dis. I like dis a lot. "He was very happy that he wore his dropped pearl earrings today even if they hadn’t gone with manual labor" dead on.
Sep. 16th, 2013 06:07 am (UTC)
LOL! Very funny, and perfectly in character. I miss MASH.
Sep. 17th, 2013 04:21 am (UTC)
Thank you! I'm always worried I don't capture of the feel of the characters or the show. That's especially true when I write for fandoms that I haven't written before. I'm always relieved when they work out.

I miss MASH, too. Especially since my daughter took all the disks down to college with her. But since that the nice anonymous comment above yours is from her, I will forgive her for taking them.
( 4 lines — Drop a line )

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