Partly

The day after Christmas and all through the house...

2009-12-26T21:22:29Z

there was scheduled to be silence.

Wil had to work, so he was going to be gone from 9 until 4. Myr was having two friends over, but they were going to leave at 9 and spend the day filming their little horror movie for English class. As for me? I was going to be writing because I have fic due in, ah, five days.

My plan: wave goodbye to husband and daughter, drink lots of coffee and write, write, write. Oh, there was cleaning the kitchen, making chicken soup and jello jigglers in there, too, but they are minor things that can be done around writing.

After a day of good writing and food making, we were going to go see Holmes at the local theatre

What really happened (so far).

Woken up at 8 by the phone. It seems that yesterdays very icky rain had, with the sub-freezing temps, turned into rather slick roads. All the teenagers involved in the movie (being intelligent Wisconsin teens) called to say that driving on ice slicked roads should be postponed for a bit. So the movie was pushed back to 1. Unfortunately, Sara was getting a ride in with her mom and had to be here at nine anyhow. We also had to pick up Alli in the AM. So I drove (being able to drive on icy roads), did a short trek out to pick up leftover food from my moms and buy chocolate syrup (blood in the black and white portion of the film) and Alli with all the filming equipment. Spent the morning listening to Myr, Sara and Alli downloading music for the film and watching Lady Ga-Ga videos. I don't like exiling the kids to a separate room, so they did it in the main room. So I cleaned my kitchen and spent some time laughing with the girls.

Then, because Myr can't drive with more than one passenger, I got to drive them to the filming spot at noon. I got home made coffee, got settled and... got a phone call at 12:40 asking if I could please bring them more/warmer coats, gloves and/or hats because they are teens who really don't understand that just because the sun is shining doesn't make it a warm 20 degrees outside. Oh... and could I also please pick up Randi at 1:15 because she is suddenly carless due to her parents making other plans and taking their only car. (Keep in mind this is Merrill, we have no public transportation on Saturdays) I said sure, so I gathered clothes, dropped them off, went to pick up Randi and delivered her to the park.

I got home, made some coffee and started on the chicken, thinking that getting that done would clear up time for dedicated writing. Only the phone kept ringing every five minutes, nothing important, but annoying and interrupting. Then at 2:45, Myr calls all upset and panicked. It seems that while filming her “run from the psycho killer” scene, she somehow lost her class ring. The rest of the cast was searching in the snow for it, but she needed to call me to tell me how sorry she was. As if I would be mad at her for that. I try to calm her down telling her we will figure it out and that I’m sure there was a lost ring guarantee when we purchased it. She was calmer then, and said they would look for a couple of minutes yet then get back to filming.

Five minutes later she calls back saying "Alli is the greatest!" because she found the ring and balance is restored in the world. Then she made sure that I would be available to drive people back to where ever they need to go once filming is done. Of course I can. She will call when I’m needed.

I still haven't finished the chicken. I don't see much writing getting done, but the movie is still on the list. I think the pizza that I was going to provide for lunch has been cancelled since lunch was several hours ago and I'm not upset that I won't be spending money on that (although I would have been happy to do that for Myr and her friends). I should really plan on some sort of food for me for lunch (you know the several hours ago thing) and figure out what we will eat before the movie…

So goes life when you're a mom. I'm just glad that the roads are better, all the kids are having a good time, Myr has her ring and the movie is actually getting filmed.

Life is pretty good. It just never goes as planned.

Because thinking about posting isn't posting...

2009-12-24T06:55:33Z

Woo-hoo! Great party with the family. Just got back home & the "BIG STORM" is starting to dust us with a little snow. Christmas breakfast at 9 tomorrow at Auntie Barbs, then play the rest of the day by ear, with church at some point and a possible party at Aunt Bonnies. Depends on weather and Wil.

Hey, I'm getting to bed a half hour earlier than yesterday. That's good, right?

Meme Lemming: 2009 LJ Year in Review

2009-12-13T03:39:47Z

Stole this idea from hells_half_acre.

What you do is take the first sentence from the first entry of every month of the 2009.

January: They say the next year comes as the old one left.
February: That is all.
March: I've been so careful.
April: as boy and mother walk by my office door:
May: Wolverine is still my favorite superhero.
June: This Thursday, People!
July: Wow.
August: Pick your five favorite TV shows (in no particular order) and answer the following questions.
September: This fills me with glee.
October: Today I have been married 20 years.
November: A philosophy near and dear to my heart – and an integral building block of who I am – is concept of free will.
December: Thoughts in no particular order, then two memes (or rather, one meme, twice).

I am greatly amused that my first sentence is often not a sentence at all. And that it only tells what the post is about less than half the time. I also tend to use the titles as part of the first sentence (I didn't add them here). November's post is my favorite post from the year. I think the February and March are my favorite first lines. The one thing this post does is show me that I should be posting more. But I say that every year. *grin*

Stuff

2009-12-12T06:02:17Z

Thoughts in no particular order, then two memes (or rather, one meme, twice)

We'll start out on a personal note:

I'm losing my job and it sucks beyond words. The fact that so many other people have it worse than me, doesn't make it suck any less.

I am keenly aware of and extremely grateful for all the blessings in my life. Acknowledging that losing my job sucks, in no way invalidates my appreciation for those blessing -- nor does it mean I forgot about them.

I had a very bad experience with the writing group I used to belong to. I can say with a fairly high certainty that they were bad for me and that I stayed with them much longer than I should have. Being able to say that doesn't keep me from feeling that they may have been right in their assessment of my inability to write, though.

I find it almost impossible to discount my usual feelings the insecurity and self-deprecation. My interior critic is way too vocal lately. And, quite honestly, it just seems like the obvious truth rather than a critic at all.

I have been told that I am aggressively optimistic. I try to keep that in mind and fiercely cling to the "Half Full" view of the world.

I love driving in the snow. It makes me feel competent. I'm a good driver. Actually, I'm a damn good driver, especially when driving in the snow.

I really like winter weather. I love the still peace of a really cold night. I enjoy the soft fall of snow. I know that 32 degrees is freezing, but I don't always think that it's cold.

More fun, fandom notes:

Castle continues to be an absolute delight. The characters, the relationships, the believable and realistic relationship between the characters -- all of it is perfect.

Bones has the best Christmas episodes of any show ever.

The ramped up advertising for 24 has reminded me that it is my favorite show in the world. Go here and watch the preview. Then check out this one. Renee is back! She was one of the female characters that I adored last year. Jack is still made of awesome. I so want an icon of him in the long coat with the gun behind the dumpster. Or him with the gun jumping on that cab. And this move? I'm thrilled to say it is done by an actor who is just two years younger than I. Is it January, yet?

As demonstrated by my love for 24, I like angst as much as the next girl, but I'm all about the action, baby. The world goes to hell while people stop to think about it. "Delay is the deadliest form of denial." British Historian C. Northcote

I did a post about the reason I had a hard time watching Criminal Minds. While I stand by what I said in that post, I think the show has really come a long way. They still fail occasionally (with the cases) but I really feel that the change from Gideon to Rossi has made real difference. The obvious "It could happen to YOU!" bad-horror-moive aspect of some of the cases still bothers me, but it hits home runs much more often than it strikes out, lately.

These really amused me:

Take a sad partly and make it better.

Which song was this lyric from?

I kissed a partly and I liked it.

Which song was this lyric from?

Kuchen and Christmas Songs

2009-11-26T05:11:29Z

This evening I went out to my mom's to help with prep for the Thanksgiving meal tomorrow. We made the lettuce salad, the coleslaw and the stuffing. The potatoes, carrots and squash are peeled. The turkey is thawed, seasoned and sitting in the Nesco waiting to be cooked. The same with the ham. Everything is in the fridge (or in the cold porch) waiting to be cooked and devoured tomorrow. While my immediate family is small, out extended family gets a bit larger.

The best thing we made tonight was Kuchen. Kuchen, if memory serves, is German for bread. For us it is a potato based sweet yeast bread from a recipe that is found in the Women's Alliance Cookbook published in 1924. It is beyond awesome. First of all, any recipe for the 1920's is always fun to use. You almost have to be psychic to figure out the recipe and then there's the fact that the recipe has built in flexibility for possible lack of ingredients. I'll get an exact copy of it and post it sometime. Second of all, it's something that we've made for as long as I can remember -- first with my grandmother and now with my mother. Third, it's the the most delicious bread you will ever get to eat -- flavorful, light and as close to ambrosia as you will ever get this side of Mt. Olympus.

To make the evening complete, we listened to Christmas music the entire time. This sunday is the start of Advent, so Christmas will be here sooner than later. Besides I completely adore Christmas music and we have so much of it that if we don't start listening to it now, we'll never get through it all.

Stuff!

2009-11-25T15:53:46Z

I adore my horoscope for today:

You may be a contrarian today, doing things your own way just to demonstrate that you're different from everyone else. Normally, you could get a rise out of someone when you do something that seems out-of-the box. Now, however, people look at you with astonishment and admiration, wishing they could get away with such unconventional behavior so easily. But even if it's not as simple as it appears, doing the extra work, at least, sets a wonderful example.

Look! Permission to be unconventional. I can get behind that. I'll point out that while I will buy the "astonishment" part, I doubt that too many people are in the "admiration" mode. Heh. I'll take what I can get, though.

Also:

Hubby was on the news! He's the good-looking guy with the beard behind the jewelry counter at Sears in this Shop Local news item (about 1:15 in the piece). Actually, he's in it again after that, too. Lookin' good! I so need an icon of him.

And while I'm on the news I want to share this little bit about one of my favorite beers -- The Spotted Cow: New York authorities confiscate Wis. beer. Poor New Yorkers, all Spotted Cow-less.

(I'm posting this via email and I'm hoping that it all looks good. If not, I'll fix it tonight.)

--

Prayers needed...

2009-11-25T05:16:20Z

There was a bad accident in town here today. The brother of one of Myria's best friends was involved. He was critically hurt and although he's out of surgery, it's still touch and go.

All your thoughts and prayers would be appreciated.

Thank you.

partly @ 2009-11-20T14:15:00

2009-11-20T20:15:55Z

*Whimper*

Last night's Supernatural is sitting on my DVR. I've mananged to watch not quite half of it. Bad things are happening. Worse things are just about to happen.

I won't be able to watch the whole thing until Sunday night.

I know what happens (bare-bones plot wise) but it show is always infinately better than the summary. This is not good, people. Not good.

--

Not a Girl and Fan Conventions

2009-11-15T04:01:57Z

I enjoyed the most recent episode of Supernatural, but then it reminded me so strongly of Bimbos of the Death Sun I was bound to like it. Besides I've been to (and loved) conventions like that, it was kind of like old home week.

However, the reactions to this episode have once again demonstrated one thing to me: It's apparent I lack a gender-identification gene. But then I've done the whole self-meta thing in the past about how I don't view female characters in the same way as others do, so I'll just chalk it up to the fact I rarely think like anyone else. And that, quite possibly, I'm not a girl at all. *grin*

I thought there was some good meta in the episode but then I can find meta in any episode. However, since I found a wonderful meta on being a fan and being a hero by fannishliss called "Fannishness and Being the Hero" I will just defer to her greatness. Instead I'll just post my happy *glee*ness. There is meta in my head, but that will have to wait.

I adore Becky. I know Beckys. Hell, there are times I've been Becky. (Quick note: My name is Becky so, heh, added humor). The Beckys of this world are fun. Full of fire and energy and more than a little misdirected adoration. Becky's just looking for a hero, as everyone has from time to time. The fact that she found one in CHUCK fills me with more glee than I can possibly say. Would I have preferred if she would have become the hero? No. It's not who Becky is. Would I have liked her to realize that Sam is an actual living person and not merely an object for her to drool over? Yes. But I have faith that she will get to that point. I never get the feeling that the characters in the Supernatural universe are static -- there are always changes between the times we see them. The subtle differences between Becky when she was introduced and Becky when we see her here are proof of hat.

Myr and I both decided that going to that Supernatural convention would be a blast. I don't con much, but my favorite cons were always the fan run ones. I don't do the whole autograph thing. I much prefer the small panels and one-on-one fan interaction that comes from cons that are created just for that. I also adore LARPing. One of my favorite activities at CONvergence is the Steam Punk Mystery LARP. I think a Supernatural ghost hunt would be blast. Granted, I'm sure if we had to go as established charters Myr and I would go as Jo and Ellen, but we could pull off Sam and Dean. After all the character dynamics between the two are almost the same. (That's a meta waiting to be written). Besides the whole sitting around the hotel, talking plot points and meta with other fans? That just rocks.

Dean and Sam are wonderfully in sync in this episode. The drove all night to help out Chuck. Their immediate response to run toward the screams and danger is spot on. I love how it was Sam who was the first to walk away disgusted when it turned out the "maid" was part of the LARP. I also love how Chuck knew what the scream was a tried to tell them. Dean was his usual snarky self. Gotta love the man's lack of patience. And his ability to charm even the most cynical and put upon women at the bar. It's that apparent total and complete lack of guile even when he's being his must guileful. Sam handles Becky so well, firm but kind. Hee. And Sam's equal if somewhat more restrained irritation at what was going on. The two of them at that back of the room when Chuck is doing the question and answers. I totally agree with Becky: I love it when the guys talk at the same time. And the fact that Dean knows Sam's ability to use his "puppy-dog look" to convince people to do things (of course he referred to that ability way back in "Scarecrow"). And more than that, Sam's success at using it. And the scene when the bluff against the ghosts fell apart, when Dean steps forward and just says "run." Then Sam, once he couldn't get out, coming to help Dean with the ghosts? All so very wonderful. And so very first and second season, really, but with the changed brother dynamic of the fifth season.

I especially liked how Dean and Sam never turned on each other, not even in the littlest way. When surrounded by "they should have known Ruby was evil" and replays of their greatest hits on one another, they stood together. It was always "us" and "our lives". And Sam totally on the same page as Dean when it comes to stopping more books -- "We have guns". It was all very Dean-like. Poor Chuck.

Chuck. I adore Chuck. The poor guy is in so far over his head. "I'm not a good writer." *hugs*, Chuck. He so believes that he's living on borrowed time. He just wants to have a normal life and he knows so much more than he should (don't they all). His total and complete lack of self-confidence is painful and completely believable and identifiable. The fact that the guys really don't have answer for him when he asks them "What else do you want me to do?" was wonderful, also. And his crush on Becky? Also wonderful. And why not, she is so in love with his work. Such complete adoration would be hard no to love back. He can talk to her about everything, even if she's more fangirl than he'd probably like. In the end, when push comes to shove he stands up and does the brave thing despite all his fears and perceived inadequacies. Chuck and Becky are made of win. Really.

Fic: For the Wicked

2009-11-08T05:48:34Z

I’ve committed fic. Now I haven’t written anything in almost two years. I used to have a feel for my writing. It used to be that I could tell if something was good or if it wasn’t worth crap. I don’t have that anymore.

So I am posting this here, as a test run. It’s totally not my usual writing, which may be why I can’t judge its quality. I do, however, value the opinion of my flist, so I’m throwing it out to you. It’s a fanfic for Supernatural, so don’t feel obligated to read it, but if you’re so inclined, please let me know what you think.

Title: For the Wicked
Characters: Sam and Dean
Genre: Gen
Spoilers: Set in early 4th season, you need to know what’s gone on before.
Rating: PG-13
Length: 686 words
Disclaimer: Fanfic

The first night is easy. Just lay in the bed, eyes closed and wait until Sam’s breathing evens out. He doesn’t stir when the television comes on, and doing research or looking for a new case is even less likely to wake him. After that, it’s a five-mile run around four in the morning, come back and shower, get some coffee and give Sammy a hard time about sleeping his life away when he wakes at eight.

The second night is harder. There’s no lying down and pretending to sleep. Instead, there’s a new six-pack or bottle of Jack to take the edge off the gnawing fear. Sam chews his lip and hints around about getting a full night’s sleep but after a couple of jokes and a false promise of “just one more”, Sam gives up and crawls into bed. There’s always some stupid show on TV that needs to finish or is just about to start. If the idiot box fails, there’s always that next new hunt that needs to be found or the final touches on the plans to kill the current beastie.

The irony of needing to hunt monsters to stop remembering being one never gets old. Hating Sam because he can sleep is a recent and worrying emotion. It could just be jealously – please let it just be jealously – but Sam has his own secrets and thinking about what they could be is worse than listening to the screaming that seeps out of the dark corners of memories.

This night’s run is longer and painful, fueled by anger and alcohol. Even the smallest town has dangerous back roads and half the run is spent hoping for a confrontation with something – anything – but of all the evil things that lurk in the dark, it might just be that the worst one is the one running past.

The shower that follows is too cold and too long and half the time breakfast is replaced by stale beer and an obsessive need to get moving again. On those days, Sam ignores the surly attitude but he hurries through his morning routine. Once on the road, with the hum of the wheels providing the illusion of purpose, it’s almost possible to pretend to be normal.

But exhaustion can’t be outrun and all the pretending in the world doesn’t stop the inevitable. By nightfall every muscle cries out for rest and each blink becomes a fight to reopen the eyes. As fatigue takes over reality fades and memory wins. The screams and pleading, the slick feel of the blade as it carves through flesh, the coppery taste of the spray of blood – it’s all there. Eyes closed, eyes open – it’s all the same. There’s no denying the reality of it. No amount of work or running or alcohol can disguise the truth. It’s all so real it’s a wonder Sam doesn’t feel it. With no victory in staying awake it’s easy to surrender to the horror-filled oblivion of sleep.

Waking is climbing out of hell. Hands groping, tearing; choking and screaming through a fog of pain; the stench of sulfur and rot that takes hours to fade and never completely goes away. The warring feelings of loathing and pleasure, satisfaction and revulsion taste like bile at the back of the throat. There is no awakening jerk, no sudden bust into consciousness. Movement in hell equaled pain but there was hope of peace in stillness. Sunlight is the surest sign of freedom and eyes blink hungrily into it.

Sitting up disrupts the makeshift cover of a familiar leather coat. Something Sam did, sometime in the night. A reminder of the past, of days when brotherly love didn’t hurt and when a coat over a sleeping form was the surest expression of solidarity.

The grateful smile for Sam as he hands the coffee over is easy and natural. As is the customary banter while packing up and leaving. Ten miles in it’s time for breakfast and for that morning life is good. The lie is almost effortless.

Because that first night, that first night is easy.

Play day!

2009-11-08T00:22:48Z

Just got back from the musical 1776, as put on by the Wausau Community Theatre. It was totally awesome and I now have a mad crush on the character of John Adams. This information I'm not sharing with my daughter because he was played by her music teacher. *grin* It is a completely wonderful musical and everyone did a terrific job in it.

Now, in just under an hour I get to head out to the Merrill High School production of "Curse of the Bard". Myr didn't try out for any parts, but she is backstage crew. Today is the final performance and I better see one of them.

It's been a very artsy day.

Life rocks.

GIP

2009-11-07T04:07:14Z

I made a new icon! Yay, me.

So after trying Graphic Converter on the advice of finabair, I broke down and downloaded Photoshop Elements on Myr’s computer. Elements wins, hands down. Granted it may be because I’ve been using Photoshop for years and years and know it inside out, whereas I’ve got no clue about Graphic Converter.

But then I really need to have layers and brushes and textures… and I don’t want to have to re-learn everything I know. So I’m going to pony up $80 and get the program. Right now I have a 30-day trial.

Myr’s computer has a much nicer monitor than mine, tho. This icon is a little dark on my machine but it looks terrific on hers. But then, there’s no compensating for monitors.

Anyhow, GIP. And, yes, I am stuck on Supernatural/Dean. Why do you ask?

Poker face or why do people keep underestimating the Winchesters?

2009-11-06T01:47:56Z

I used to play poker quite a bit. Not the high-stakes stuff that's popular now (and not strip, either!), but sit-around-the-table, playing-for-quarters dealer’s choice type poker. I've never been good at counting cards, but I'm aware of the odds and I know the basic mechanics of all the games. I've never won big, but I've never lost big, either. If I'm at a casino I play blackjack. With blackjack, if you play the odds and have a good feel for how the deck is turning, you can come out ahead. Blackjack luck tends to run in streaks -- the deck is hot or cold and if you can tailor your bets, you can make it work in your favor.

Texas Hold 'em is very popular right now, and part of the reason it's popular is because it doesn't work that way. Texas Hold 'em turns on luck more than any other game and because the last card (the river) can make a winning hand out of a complete mess. It's a game where playing foolishly is rewarded more often than other games. Because of that it also encourages people to play more foolishly than they normally would.

When you are playing for fun or for low stakes this can make the game irritating and hard to predict. When you are playing for high stakes against professionals, it can make the game all about how well you can read or manipulate the other players.

Patrick is very, very good at reading and manipulating people. He’s been around for 500 years making his living as a witch, conman and poker player. That’s no small feat. He’s so good at it that he can play the game honestly. He’s good enough that he beat both Dean and Bobby. But yet he completely underestimates Sam.

Now it’s a staple of the show to have people underestimate Dean – the kid with only a GED and more of a memory for School House Rock than actual school work. Doubting Dean’s intelligence is so accepted in the show that it’s almost odd when people don’t do it.

But people underestimate Sam, too. Not his intelligence, but his “street smarts” – his ability to fight or think on his feet or be ruthless. Sam wears his heart on his sleeve, so it’s easy for people to think that he’s not really in control of his emotions. Sam’s a big guy, but people underestimate his fighting ability and his speed.

Maybe it’s the boyishness of the two, the brotherly interplay that never seems to go beyond teenagers or the fact they are both so damn cute, but it’s rare to meet someone who doesn’t underestimate one or both of the Winchesters. Now it’s handy to be underestimated in some cases, but it’s got to be getting old.

Just a short thought before the soon to be awesomeness of tonight’s episode.

Iconography

2009-11-05T05:52:14Z

I really like this icon. OK, I like all my icons, that why I have them, but some of them are looking old and simple. I like what they say and the concept behind them, but I've been itching to redo them. Not replace, but redo. Unfortunately I don't have a graphics program for any of my computers at home that I can use regularly.

I need to reformat the drive on our windows machine and then I can install photoshop again. But what I'd really like to do is get a good copy of photoshop for Myr's Macbook. I know that there are a couple icons I'd use more if I just could make them look cool again. Granted I have close to 40 icon spots open and I could just nab a bunch and use them, but I'm partial to my own icons and have a hard time using other people's icons, even then they seem to be almost exactly what I want.

Yup. No real reason for this post, except I wanted to stare at this icon for a bit.

partly @ 2009-11-03T09:18:00

2009-11-03T15:18:49Z

Heh. My horror-scope amuses me so:

You may take yourself too seriously today, especially if you are working hard and don't want to be interrupted by frivolous activities. Unfortunately, your commitment to your job can be so overstated that it is counterproductive. It becomes more difficult to stay on point without the support of those around you, so loosen up a bit and focus some of your attention on maintaining healthy relationships at work and at home.

I'm gone in under two months. Taking my job too seriously is so not on my to-do list. However, I do have to admit that I do tend to get a little invested in my job. I could have really used this advice, say, two months ago. But now it's not really a problem.

__

Supernatural meta: Free Will

2009-11-03T04:57:53Z

A philosophy near and dear to my heart – and an integral building block of who I am – is concept of free will. More than anything else it is our choices that define us. And the choices that define us the most are those that are made when it appears we actually have no choice. The concept of free will has its most power in face of the capriciousness of fate or destiny or whatever it is that people are calling the uncontrollable circumstances of life. Even if we can’t choose the path we are on, we can choose how we go down that path.

One of the reasons I love “Supernatural” so much is that it’s all about free will. I know that there are a lot of shows that bandy about the concept of free will. Usually it’s presented as coming-of-age marker or a pseudo-anarchist “screw the establishment” mantra that firmly entrenches our hero as “different”. But instead of just tossing out free will in an “us or them”, fork-in-the-road, “left or right”, or a "do/don't do as you're told" simplicity, Supernatural focuses on the true complexity – the power, the cost, the unpredictability and the necessity – of free will.

This show presents every choice as an exercise of free will, even the choice to do what is expected of you. Sure, Sam is presented as the character that most obviously exercises his free will. His choices to try and be "normal", fights with his father and leaving the family to go to Stanford – all of this is classic fodder for literary free will. However, Dean's loyalty to his father and obedience to his father's rules and instructions are also presented at free will. In the first season, Sam often criticizes Dean's "blind" obedience to John's orders. But it is also clear in the first season that Dean's obedience isn't blind, but rather based in the knowledge that not following the orders is dangerous – and in "Something Wicked" even Sam acknowledges that Dean's choice is a valid one. (A nice touch since in "Scarecrow", Dean acknowledged that Sam's choices are valid, too.)

And that brings me to another thing that I really love about Supernatural: it couples free will with knowledge. It states (correctly) that in order for free will to work you have to have some knowledge of what is going on. Knowledge is a key factor/plot point in Supernatural. In fact, wanting to know the facts is the biggest point of contention between Sam and John when the boys reunite with their father in season one. Sam wants to know everything that John isn't telling them – because that knowledge allows him to make better choices. Dean doesn't need to know but not because he doesn't care, rather because what he knows of his father teaches him that he can trust John. On the other hand, what Sam knows of his father is that John hides important information.

The show is wonderfully psychologically accurate in how these contrasting attitudes where developed, too. It's clear that Dean has always been aware of how his mother died and what his father did. Not all the details, but the general "truth" of everything. Dean grew up never having a reason not to trust his father and, in fact, was given every reason to trust him. Contrast that with Sam who was lied to by his father until he was seven, at which point he was only told the truth after he discovered it on his own. Even then, it was Dean who told him and it was clear that John would have continued to keep the secret. In fact, I always wondered how long the boys managed to keep that Sam knew the truth from their father. John wanted to keep Sam in the dark for a reason, after all.

Which ties into another complication of free will: as important as knowledge is to free will, that the knowledge comes with a price. How much the boys know, what they need to tell people and when they tell them is a part of the foundation of the show. They don't tell people who they are and what they really do, not willingly. Sure, if the boys are asking someone to do something dangerous, asking them to make a choice, exercise free will, they give them the facts. Yet, at the same time, there are constant reminders of how much that knowledge changes lives – and rarely for the better. Each time they tell people "the truth" they agonize over the fact that they have altered that person's reality and given them a burden that that person will have to carry forever. The same burden that they boys carry themselves. A burden that they both accept willingly, but that neither really wants.

And that? The burden and responsibility that comes with knowing things and how that conflicts with the necessity of knowing things in order to truly have fee will? That is beautiful. The more you know, the more responsibility you have to act on that knowledge, the more that knowledge changes who you are and how you view the world around you. But without that knowledge you have no free will and without free will we are nothing.

Most people in life do a delicate balancing act. Knowledge and responsibility and free will are powerful and dangerous things. They are also very threatening. One of the tenets of free will is that two people – equally intelligent and equally invested – can choose to do two very different things with the same knowledge. We like to believe that our choices are not only right, but that they are universally right. But free will disputes that. Because we are all free to choose our own action, those actions don't have to match anyone else's. Anytime you let someone else decide their own actions, you run the risk of them choosing to do something you wouldn't. It's really the biggest challenge of free will: to accept that not everyone who has the same information will make the same choices.

Supernatural hits all of those notes, and more. It plays with choice and the effects each choice has on others and how much guilt and responsibility people bear for those effects. When it added the angels, it brings in the view that free will is evil because it allows for evil – that choice is inherently evil simply because one has the choice to chose evil. By having Castiel slowly come to the decision that he has to decide for himself what he needs to do, we are given a view of the conflicting emotions and desires that come into play with free will. By adding Jesse and giving him so much power we are shown exactly how dangerous free will can be. As horrific as Castiel’s demand to kill Jesse is, it clearly illustrates how much simpler life would be if not everyone would have free will – especially those who wield great power.

I’ve always believed that it is more important to teach people how to think rather than what to think. It’s how I’ve attempted to raise my child. It is, however, a scary and dangerous thing. Our differing choices of free will could lead us to stand alone and against those we care about. This, again, is something that Supernatural does so well, especially in the last season with the schism that developed between Sam and Dean. People often like to take sides and place blame, as if life is a zero sum game that has a perfect solution that eliminates all the errors and pain. But you can’t. Free will demands that there are errors and pain. In the end, that’s what freedom is. As Dean told Castiel in “Lucifer Rising”: “I'll take the pain and the guilt. I'll even take Sam as is. It's a lot better than being some Stepford bitch in paradise.”

Granted, our lives rarely (fortunately) have such grand, obvious examples of free will. We rarely get to make grand stands for life and right and good. But I think that all of us, somewhere deep down, want to be able to make that choice. To fight a worthy battle, to choose our own path and to say, “If there is anything worth dying for... this is it.” After all, it’s our choices that makes us truly alive, isn’t it?

Yay for the Winchesters!

2009-10-31T18:41:07Z

This was going to be a short comment, but I got carried away. Which is only fitting because it was supposed to be a light episode and it got carried away, too!

I love that the boys don't go after Patrick once they won their years back. Dean has slowly been backing off of his "anything supernatural is automatically evil and needs to be killed" attitude and the fact that he's willing to let Patrick walk away is significant. After all they have the ability to kill him, even if it would be hard to get the DNA, Dean could have insisted that they go after him. And he would have in the past.

I loved both of the witches. Patrick being honest was one of the nicest surprises from the show... as was the fact that he really did love the girl (Lia?) and she loved him. There were some really interesting undercurrents to their relationship -- like why her first choice was to go to Dean and give him the ability to kill Patrick. In the end, I felt that it showed more courage and strength for her to choose death it then is given to most of the characters on the show. Death is rarely portrayed as an honorable choice unless it's in the service of saving someone else.

The fact that they managed to have a scene promoting the honor of death immediately proceed a scene where Dean fights to convince Bobby in the honor of living... well, that's why this show owns me. Rather than the scenes negating each other, they added power to the themes of necessity and love and free will.

I loved Sam in the poker game. He was smart and caring and calculating and gave himself completely to the moment -- everything that I adore about the character. I'm going to have to go back and watch the game again but Sam's true strength was in being able to adapt to the game. Sam held the winning hand the moment the flop was revealed and he knew it. Yet, even though he held the winning hand for most of the game, he still managed to keep Patrick in the game, betting high -- something Patrick told him he was unable to do earlier in the game. It was very nicely played.

I still think that Dean firmly believes that his is the most expendable member of his little family. In the season one finale, Azazel told Dean "You know you fight, and you fight for this family, but the truth is, they don't need you, not like you need them." I think Dean believes that. In fact, I'm pretty sure that's Dean's entire philosophy of life when it comes to his family. He doesn't see it as unfair or wrong, but rather as part of the undeniable truth of life. It's why he so quickly gave 25 years of his life to Bobby and why he refused to let Sam do the same for him. I'm holding out hope that Dean may actually come to realize how important he is to Sam and Bobby, but I'm not sure that he will ever manage to do it.

I'm torn when it comes to Bobby. I love the man, so I really want him to walk again. I especially want this since it that SOB Zachariah is the reason he can't walk. But, then again, I adore the path they are taking Bobby down. I would love to see Bobby find a purpose beyond pure physical ability (a damn hard thing to do for a man like Bobby). This show defines most of its characters with physical action, it would be nice for Bobby to be able to be strong and vital even if he does so from a wheelchair.

One of the things I really love about Dean is his ability to completely emotionally connect to the people he cares about. He is so obviously ruled by his emotions and that is why he fights to hard to keep them in check. It’s not what you would expect when the characters were introduced in the pilot -- it was obvious that Sam was going to be the open, caring one and Dean the ruthless SOB. And while those two things are still true, both characters a much more complex than that. Sam can be incredibly ruthless and Dean expectedly open. I find it interesting that Dean can wield his emotions as skillfully as any other weapon when it comes down to it; whether he’s trying to convince Castiel to help him at the end of last season or convincing Bobby to keep fighting at the end of the last episode. He isn’t quite as skillful when dealing with Sam, but I think that’s because he cares so much more about Sam that he doesn’t have enough control over his emotions to do so.

And have I mentioned how much I loved Sam in this episode? The fact that he did the smart thing all the time, that he didn’t fall for the knee jerk “I’m going to go behind your backs and save you both” instinct that he usually has. I love the rebellious, independent streak in Sam, but it will kill him if he doesn’t get it under control. And he had it under control in this episode. I also love that Sam is learning to deal with the overwhelming need that Dean has to keep him safe. That he’s learning when he can tell Dean to back off and when he knows that there’s no way to make Dean stand down.

Oh. All that off one viewing amid many distractions. I so need to watch the ep again!

Look! 24 Season 8 Preview!

2009-10-28T13:00:40Z

Oh. It looks good. YAY!

"Who is Jack Bauer?" Heh. Poor guy. He'll be lucky if Jack doesn't end up killing him at some point. And Jack's last line -- "I hate this place." That so kills me.

I so adore 24!

Work... not so much fun

2009-10-26T23:12:25Z

I have been nothing but positive during this whole "only two more months of my job left" craziness. I've whined here -- but only twice. I've talked about the general insanity of it all at work and how a combination of management and union idiocy is creating a royal FUBAR. In fact, I've championed keeping my position even if I won't be the person in the position because my department is a damn fine department and the cuts in services the loss of my position will cause is untenable.

However, I've found a limit to my empathy. I really don't care that this is making life hell for others. In fact, I think that as screwed up as all of this is, it should make life miserable for everyone else.

The union has a one trump hand of "seniority" and it plays it above competence and skills, so the fact that unqualified, under-skilled people will get a positions solely based on seniority is hardly surprising. And since anyone of higher seniority who is losing their position can keep their county job by bumping into the position of anyone of lower seniority, it should be expected that there will be a rash of untrained and unqualified people in new positions.

Management tried to do an end run around these union rules by eliminating the positions of the people it was laying off. They were hoping that doing it this way there would be no bumping and they could limit union influence by merely shifting any necessary work to other departments and have it fall under the "any other assigned work" part of everyones job description. This meant that the necessity of the job, the value of the services offered or even the amount of actual work the position completed was not of importance. All that mattered was that the person who held that position was lowest on the union totem pole. Brilliant managerial strategy, people! (I don't know this for sure, but at least this way there was some reasoning to it, albeit devious reasoning.) But it seems the problems with the best laid plans of mice and men, also apply to the poorly thought out machinations of management -- and the bumping is starting.

So today, anytime someone complained about any and all of the above and expressed their frustrations on it all... I felt like shouting "Welcome to the Club!". I understand what they are going through and how hard it is, but, damn it, they ought to be going through it. It should be miserable. It should be painful. I'm sorry that it is, but anything else would be a lie. This whole mess couldn't have been handled any worse. Now you have departments sniping at each other. People closing ranks in order to preserve their jobs. People bumping to new positions not because they want the job or can do the job but because they are afraid their positions will be eliminated. Management says nothing except "you're good, but you're out of here." The union just nods and says "It's all fine as long as it's seniority". The County Board is meeting in closed sessions and seems content to let non-elected officials write the script.

So, yeah, I'm not all that upset watching this turn into a giant train wreck. Because that's what it is. Right now, I'm tempted to make popcorn and sell tickets.

Writer's Block: Take the pain away

2009-10-25T03:57:41Z

If you could say anything you want to the person who has hurt you most in life, what would it be? Did you ever confront them? Why or why not?

Submitted By secret_berry49

View 1529 Answers

I have no answer to this. I can't think of one person who would qualify as having hurt me enough to fit the bill. Quite honestly, all the most traumatic and hurtful moments in my life came from me, things I did or situations that I allowed myself to become involved in. It's hard to confront people about something that is ultimately my responsibility.

I am also a very private and reserved person, especially when it comes to forming relationships. I don't allow people to get close to me easily. There is only a handful of people in my life that are close enough to me to hurt me the way that would qualify for the question. None of the people who I have ever allowed to get close to me have ever betrayed that trust.

Heh.

2009-10-24T20:58:51Z

So... bought a new computer for my daughter.

Right now she is using the built in web-cam as a mirror to help her as she does her hair. It's nice to know $1200+ is put to good use.

I love the kid. She constantly amuses me.

World’s smallest violin

2009-10-23T04:58:39Z

So, I'm losing my job in two months. I'm trying to come to terms with that. Trying not to obsess about the poor economy, the lack of jobs in my little town, any of the usual paranoia that comes with unemployment.

I have learned one thing, though. I really hate sympathy. I'm so tired of people telling me that they're so sorry that I'm losing my job. I don't want to hear one more person say that the county is really hurting itself by laying me off. I'm sick of people saying that its "unfair" or "wrong". And I am really, really sick of people complementing me on how "professionally" I'm handling all this.

I don't want to be professional. I don't want to be understood. I don't want people to be sorry. Because it's all a load of crap. It doesn't change anything. My ego doesn't need to be massaged with false praise. The county is going to be just fine without me. It may not have been what I wanted to hear but my union rep was right when she said that anyone in the union rank and file could do my job with a little training time. Don't get me wrong, I'm damn good at what I do, but the county can do just fine without me. Things can go back to the way they were two years ago and the world will go on. This is the county we're talking about. They don't have to worry about being better than anyone or competing with anyone else. Quality really doesn't factor into anything. Maybe the county will lose something when I'm gone, maybe I do contribute something that no one else can replicate, but bottom line is -- it doesn't matter.

I'm not sure what I want. My co-worker said that sympathy is better than being told that I shouldn't let the door hit me on the way out. Perhaps she's right. But I don't really see a difference. Sure the references will be nice, but I don't see any jobs out there that I'll need references for.

I don't want people to think I'm good or special or professional. I’m just doing my job. All that praise and sympathy would be nice, you know, if it mattered at all.

Enough with the pity party. My next post will be Supernatural Meta, I promise.

Supernatural Thoughts

2009-10-16T00:06:18Z

Some quick thoughts before tonight's new Supernatural episode. For the record, this covers more than last weeks show.

Dean continues to be afraid of everything he investigates. He continues to show fear in equal part with defiance when he faces down the demons or angels or mob of Crotes. This is my favorite Dean trait. Well, one of them.

Lucifer in Sam? Unbelievable. Jared Padalecki continually amazes me. The changes in character and style from first season to this? Incredible.

I love the fact that Dean wants to make change with his relationship with Sam, but I don't think he has any idea on how to change. Dean has only ever been one thing all his life, he has no clue on how to be different. I don't think Dean has ever been anything other than Dean (short stint as brain washed office-drone not withstanding).

Castiel continues to rock. He is totally and completely awesome. Even drugged out, faithless future Cass was wonderful (albeit painful).

The end of last week's "Soon" preview with Sam channeling Horatio Caine? Heh. That so kills me. See my above point on the awesomeness of Jared.

I adore the writing in this show. The fact that Dean completely regressed to season 1 and 2 behavior -- leaving all the research to Sam, hitting on the girls and drinking while Sam worked, laying down the "I'm oldest and we'll do what I say" law-of-Dean -- is dead-on in character. It goes back to my earlier point of Dean not having a clue how to change, even though he knows he has to.

"Who would have thought killing Lilith would've been a bad thing?" THANK YOU! It's about time this was pointed out. It's about time they moved beyond blame. The guys are just pawns in a grand chess game and it's about time they realized that you can't be responsible for things you know nothing about and have no control over.

I still am in need of Supernatural iconage.

partly @ 2009-10-15T10:46:00

2009-10-15T15:46:52Z

I so totally rock at my job. And those idiots upstairs are letting me go.

They suck.

Just had to share.

--

Stupid, Stupid Brain...

2009-10-12T04:03:41Z

I'm completely caught up on Supernatural (both happy and sad about that). My other current obsession is Criminal Minds. A show that I didn't like when it first came out, but that I adore right now.

Unfortunately, in my effort not to think about the uncertainty of my future, my brain has decided to come up with crossover plot bunnies for Supernatural and Criminal Minds.

This is not a good thing.

I haven't written anything in months. I have these ideas but I feel totally incapable of writing them (or anything, for that matter). Needless to say, this suddenly makes my fun escapist television all stressful and insecurity inducing.

Gads, I hate my brain!