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Go Back One | Jump Ahead One

Well, Myr is off at college and life has fundamentally changed. And is remarkably the same. Odd how that happens. How often the world can feel completely right and irreparably broken in the exact same moment.

I often think that my life -- or life in general, really -- is just one giant paradox. Especially where emotions are concerned. You walk around happy and sad at the same time. Equal emotions that ebb and flow like the ocean tide, only with less predictability.

I've read a lot of commentary that this is the time when I get to focus on my own goals and get to implement my own plans. Change of circumstances, change of life, opportunity for great things. Once again thrilling and terrifying in equal measures.

And also, a bit of a conundrum. You see, I don't know what they are. I know that this probably will be taken the wrong way, but my primary goals generally revolve around helping those around me get to their goals. I'm good at that: at support, at cheerleading, at bolstering and working behind the scenes to make things as smooth as possible for others. Plus, just because Myr is in Madison doesn't mean that I still don't have to fulfill that role around home. There's more than just Myria in my life, and I have to maintain that role. That's who I am and I don't want to change that. I just need to... modify it a bit.

Only, I don't know how to do that, or how to focus on something that is primarily mine. Or how to figure out what it is that I would love to do. Or where to go for advice or support or ideas. More than that, I'm not sure if my plans or ideas or what I'd love to do would ever pass muster or be worthy enough for me to convince those around me that it's a good thing for me to spend my time on, while simultaneously not spending time on theirs.

Of course, all this life planning is made that much more complicated by those paradoxical emotions I mentioned earlier. It's like I'm an emotional example of Schrödinger's cat -- all emotions at once and yet none at all until someone observes me.

In less geeky terms, I'm just a hot mess.

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